where I’ve been: ambivalence

I’ve been quiet, unblogging, for most of the year. What is up with that?

Well, I’ll tell you: first I was in a dark-night-of-the-soul, hibernation, Inanna-journey-into-darkness kind of thing.

And then, I was done with that, but still recovering, and I had lost all momentum for writing.

I kept feeling like I had to explain all of it, to fill in the gaps. And I wasn’t ready. I just didn’t want to. That’s the short answer.

The long answer is I have been on this quest to figure out what my right work is. And I didn’t want to say anything because what if I was wrong. Or what if people expected more out of me than I wanted to give. Or what if really, my soul just wants to curl up and watch Heroes and not do any life-changing, soul-stirring work at all, thank you, because it’s all too hard and scary and big and I just want to live my small life because there is nothing wrong with small.

But you know what? I miss writing.

I still have no idea how Big my life will be. Or how Big I want it to be.

So if you haven’t followed my life so far: I’ve always had this sneaking feeling that someday I would be really Big. Like that T-shirt “I’m kind of a Big Deal.” I guess it’s a line from a movie. Anyway.

The point is, there has always been this feeling, and always with it has been my ambivalence.

But lately I’m like OK. I’ll do it. I’ll do it. But I need to know what It is. And so I’m figuring that out.

And it’s OK if I’m not famous. I still feel ambivalent about that. But I’ve decided that IF there is a Divine Plan and if in the Divine Plan or my Soul Mission or Whatever It Is, I am a Big Deal, or whatever, if I’m doing something that speaks to a lot of people or helps in some way than I want to do it. I’m willing. Lay it on me, God.

Why? Well, it’s a good reason, really. Because after you figure out how to heal your issues, make a business that runs itself (mostly), and buy a condo, you feel like, well, my major list items are checked off. And why dink around with the little stuff? Why not go for the Big Thing? Why not figure out, why not ask, why not be willing to receive, what that Big Thing really is? Why not go for it?

Because otherwise, it’s just me. The reason to partner with God is that otherwise, it’s just me. My head. My ego. Whatever you want to call it. It’s just me. And I’m bored of me. I want to be in touch with the Other. The grand Isness of Being, etc. Whatever you want to call it.

Helping people, as a concept, I still feel ambivalent about. My head starts going: “Do we ever really help anyone, really? Aren’t people all on their own paths? What can I really offer that they couldn’t figure out themselves, if they like, meditated long enough? Aren’t there already enough self-help books and therapists and coaches  etc?”

But I’m fairly sure that this is just the latest incarnation of the “let’s just keep watching TV and do nothing, because that’s very, very safe and what’s wrong with that really?” And sometimes it shows up as spaciness or boredom or confusion or resistance.

So I have the voice. And I’m like, well, I’m going to try it anyway. I’m going to walk forward, for the hell of it, and see. Because you don’t really know until you try it. And the voice, I’m thinking…if I listen to it, my life gets very boring.

And I want to get back into writing. It’s a kind of rhythm, it’s a way to be in the flow that I really enjoy and that works for me. And I always get stuck because ohmygosh people see it and they see me and what will they say and think and oh no. But fuck it.

My fuck it energy is helpful now, it didn’t use to be. It used to be “fuck it let’s watch TV”. And now it’s “fuck it let’s write and start working with people”. Progress. =)

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