shifting into chillness

I got a lot changing around right now, and I am not sure where it’s all going.

For a long time my overall goal was to reduce the pain and frustration in my life. Both in terms of psychological pain (healing) and money/life frustration (automation, passive income). Both were imbued with a kind of desperation. Life kind of sucked and I wanted it to suck less. And while I wanted to find my “purpose in life”, it was more about a desperate need to feel I belonged on the planet and/or would get a passing grade on my life were I called before a galactic examination board, than wanting to be happy or feel I was contributing.

Somewhere in the last year, my focus has shifted. Imperceptibly something in me drifted in a new direction and I am no longer seeing the world as some heinous task I have to complete satisfactorily, or a shifting demon I have to beat. Somewhere along the line I must have come to terms with the subtle unsatisfactoriness of life and relaxed. Because those goals no longer motivate me the way they once did.

Instead I feel these calmer, more chill aspirations. Like to have fun, enjoy myself, have a good life, make some cool stuff, be useful in whatever unique ways I am well suited for. The daily frustrations seem to have calmed. I no longer feel the need  to try to eliminate every possible unpleasant thing from my life. It’s OK. I want to do some projects, do new things, let go of some old things…I just feel calmer about it all.

It feels good. But a little unsettling. Just because it’s new.

Internally it feels a bit like being on a broad river, and being a leaf, and being content to drift. But not in some kind of aimless way, because my self, the body/mind I am inhabiting in this lifetime, is not a drifter. She’s excited and has a lot of projects she wants to complete. But I, the observer, can see all these as bends in the river and new scenery to drift by. It really feels OK.

I’m needing to get used to the feeling of not being driven by desperation. It’s like, OK, I can sit with the drift and let it carry me to my next project, idea, etc. I don’t have to figure that out right now. I can just let it unfold. OK.

I can’t even really point to where the shift happened or why. All I can say is that it involved a good six months or more of being in hibernation mode. Watching a lot of TV, it looks a lot like depression. But for me it’s this cocoon that somehow provides the environment for deep shifts to occur. Perhaps it’s all the personal growth work I’ve done in the past few years being integrated in my unconscious, while I watch TV. Who knows.

I kind of knew it was coming, that’s what made me not quite despair when I was in the midst of it. I knew because I had sensed that this is what this year was going to be about, and I had done an intuitive Vision Board for the year which pretty much laid it out. So I had a sense, even while I was in it, that it would last through a good chunk of the year, and I would be transformed somehow through it. What surprised me is how relaxed I have ended up feeling.

When I think of coaching, etc, and all the ra-ra excitement people seem to get into, I find I prefer the chillness of this. For me the goal is not to “think big” and “test my limits” but rather to feel comfortable in myself, unhurried, content. Like, life is OK with me. It’s less dramatic, true. And perhaps this chill stillness will give way to some vibrant excitement in time. I am still tired, although I am regaining some of my resilience, so maybe when I recover from the deep Yin-ness of earlier in the year, I’ll have some of that ra-ra Yang energy for awhile. =)

It is all an interesting process.

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