I’ve decided that my perpetual career angst will be gone by the time I’m 30. Why do people look at turning a decade as a bad thing, why not herald it as a passage out of neurotic self-examination into fully embracing the fullness of life, layers and layers shed and gone? Yes!
Anyway, upon examining my checkbook, how many art supplies I’ve been buying, and my boredom level, I’ve decided that I will in fact end my sabbatical of 6 months from Red Acorn Design and start taking new design clients again, as I’d semi-planned to do (instead of continue the sabbatical and just say uh, never mind about that “coming back” part).
What excites me about this is that every time I “re-open” my design business (ok, I think this is the third time maybe?), I get to re-examine where I am in relationship to clients, web design work, business, marketing, etc. Each time I notice I am clearer about my boundaries, preferences, and desires, more excited about working with people, and less neurotic, scared, confused, and anxious. Progress!
What I’m noticing right now is that I really want to integrate the different parts of myself better. For instance, I want to market myself as someone who does both design and programming - I think that’s a strength by itself. I can integrate the left-brain and right-brain and make a website that is beautiful and has custom functionalty. I used to see this as a liability, like I “should” specialize in one or the other, but really, that’s not who I am. I’m damn good at integrating and doing both, and I really like working on a small scale where I really can do both and do them well.
Second, I want to integrate my personality and my blogging/social media life into my “professional” life. I’m not sure exactly what that looks like, but I’ve started by rewriting my Biznik profile to be more my everyday voice, more energetic, and integrate all the things I’m about. Yes, I keep saying “integrate”. I guess that’s what I’m about right now!
What’s also popping into my head is that I want to focus less on a goal of “doing xyz”, and focus more on how I want to be, or how I want to relate to business. For instance I want my business to be about whatever I am excited about at the time. I want it to flow with me as I grow and learn, and be a platform for me to meet my needs for learning, discovery, aliveness. I don’t want to find a formula and just beat it to death, or define success as “more money” or “more clients” or even “more profit”. Success for me is about fun! Enjoyment, play, etc. I want to be completely clear with myself that the purpose of my business is to enjoy and inspire aliveness in myself and others, like everything else in my life. It’s not separate, it’s not a place where I need to cover up my aliveness and act like someone I’m not. Cause I’m great! I believe in myself, my ideas, the passion I have for being and becoming happy and settling for nothing less than vibrant happiness. So why not bring that joyfulness to my business? Geez louise.
I want to affirm that I’m going to learn what I’m excited about learning and do what I’m excited about doing, and really not focus on money or outcomes except at which times it is really necessary. Which sometimes it is, and I have no problem with that, but I want to really shift from being goal-oriented to being more process-oriented.
It could be as simple as, in the morning, instead of asking myself “What do I want to get done today” (which is often my first question), to “What am I excited about?” or “What would feel fun to do today?” I want to think less in terms of goals and endpoints, and more in terms of enjoying every day. Why are we so focused on goals in this country? Even the coaches and the woo-woo people are way goal-oriented. Zen and spiritual stuff talks about being in the moment, and that “there are no ordinary moments”. Living a full life is not about getting x y or z, it’s about habitually enjoying the moments and noticing them. So I want to really shift my thinking so I am not doing the goal-comparison thing all the time. We are encouraged to think about success in business as being entirely related to goals and accomplishing them, but I think that’s missing a lot of the point. And I don’t want to default to that way of thinking just because it’s what people do. Even with marketing - my goal is not to “get more clients”. It’s to have fun, connect with people, and enjoy myself. I like marketing, as long as it’s done in a way I enjoy (duh).
So. I want to bring all the wonderful pieces of myself together and be all of them, all together. And I’m not sure how all that will look yet. Acorn Host, especially, I have in a pretty static box, and I think it’s because I have this idea that people will not buy hosting if I don’t seem “professional”. I think this is tied up with money/survival because it’s my main source of income. On some level I have this belief that authenticity = poverty. That to make money, one has to pretend. Perhaps it’s that to survive, one has to pretend? And it is that belief I want to pop and leave behind, because authenticity is the touchstone of my life. The idea that my main source of income is something I keep in a box away from my authentic self is kind of bizarre! It represents some dichotomous thinking I want to integrate. There’s that word again! And, I have no idea what that looks like. But I am going to start asking myself that question.
Another reason I want to integrate this stuff is that I want to explore and be an example of that kind of integration. The kind of world I want is one where people are integrated, where there isn’t this split between “real life” and “professional/business”. I think the only reason that split exists is because “professional/business” is tied to MONEY, and that we try to impress/fool/pretend when we want something we think we need for survival. People are not real around their boss because the boss has the ability to fire you. So “authenticity = poverty” is actually ingrained in the culture. But that’s changing, and blogs and the internet is what is changing it. At least in my corner of the universe, I hope. =)
Although, I wonder if it can every truly change as long as people’s survival is tied to money. This is why I support the Guaranteed Income idea.
But anyway, my personal thing is I want to push that edge of being honest and authentic with myself and other people and not let the fear of economic scarcity stop me. That’s the hurdle/belief system/layer I want to peel off. I think. At least enough to see what is underneath. =)
